Jokes about Technology and Computers
Here are some
hilarious jokes about technology and computers. Read and have fun :)
A computer addicted husband
My Dear Husband,
I am sending you this
letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it.
Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going
on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children
are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has
developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school
project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very
realistic. You should be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer
turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an
attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole
afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact
that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I
went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun!
George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an interest in my
career and has become a good friend to us all.
I discovered that the
household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being
vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape.
I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure
that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must
be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip
and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things
while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring
your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer
will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you
often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love,
Your Wife
A man flying in a hot air balloon
A man flying in a hot
air balloon suddenly realizes he's lost. He reduces height and spots
a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions,
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes.
You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You
must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I
do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says
the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but
It's of no use to anyone." The man below replies, "You must work in
management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you
know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help.
You're in the same position you were
before we met, but now it's my fault."
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist
An artist, a lawyer,
and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist
tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce,
bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says
"It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with
my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all
night on the computer!"
Before the computer
An application was
for employment
A program was a TV
show
A cursor used
profanity
A keyboard was a
piano!
Memory was something
that you lost with age
A CD was a bank
account!
And if you had a
broken disk,
It would hurt when
you found out!
Compress was
something you did to garbage
Not something you did
to a file
And if you unzipped
anything in public
You'd be in jail for
awhile!
Log on was adding
wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long
trip on the road
A mouse pad was where
a mouse lived
And a backup happened
to your commode!
Cut--you did with a
pocket knife
Paste you did with
glue
A web was a spider's
home
And a virus was the
flu!
I guess I'll stick to
my pad and paper
And the memory in my
head
I hear nobody's been
killed in a computer crash
But when it happens
they wish they were dead!
Bill Gates at hell or heaven?
Bill Gates suddenly
dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and
said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision;
I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped
society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you
also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll
do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to
go."
Bill pushed up his
glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference
between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet,
why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision.
Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his
pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think
I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke,
Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized
in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm,
with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and
beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in
a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if
this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
Within seconds of his
thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was
off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were
drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a
very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up,
cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to
Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God
decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell.
When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid
bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.
"So, how is
everything going?" God asked.
Bill responded with a
crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful!
It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is
happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the
mountains and the beautiful women?
"That was the
demo," replied God.
Fixing broken computers
An office technician
got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not
working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer
needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her to
"Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."
About fifteen minutes
later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.
Grading of final exams!
Here is a list of the
ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams: Dept
Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them
in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to
mind.
Dept Of History: All
students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept Of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.
Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
Law School: Students
are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.
Dept Of Logic: If and
only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a
passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not
receive an A.
Dept Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the
corresponding note ( a + and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept Of Physical
Education: Everybody gets an A
Job interview
Reaching the end of a
job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of
the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are
you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a
year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer
inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation,
14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to
50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red
Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you
kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
Life and computer
If Life Were Like A
Computer:
You could add/remove
someone in your life using the control panel.
You could put your
kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!
You could improve
your appearance by adjusting the display settings.
You could turn off
the speakers when life gets too noisy.
You could click on 'find' (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost
remote control and car keys.
To get your daily
exercise, just click on "run"!
If you mess up your
life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
Picking up things!
Miss Jones had just
given her second-grade students a science lesson. She had explained about
magnets, and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it
was question time.
Miss Jones said,
"My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy in the
front row proudly said, "You're a mother!
Reboot Poem
Don't you wish when
life is bad
and things just don't
compute,
That all we really
had to do
was stop and hit
reboot?
Things would all turn
out ok,
life could be so
sweet
If we had those
special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete
Your boss is mad,
your bills not paid,
your wife, well she's
just mute
Just stop and hit
those wonderful keys
that make it all
reboot
You'd like to have
another job
but you fear living
in the street?
You solve it all and
start a new,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete
Science Final Exam
The not necessarily
well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question
on the final exam paper. The question directed:
"Give four
advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He
sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping forthe best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal
it.
3. Available whenever
necessary.
So far so good -
maybe.
But the exam demanded
a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He
scowled,then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen,and
triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in
attractive containers.
Virus
There is a dangerous
virus going around. It is called WORK.
If you receive WORK
from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone
else, via E-mail or
any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT!
This virus wipes out
your private life completely. If you should
come into contact
with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good
friends and go
straight to the nearest pub.
Order the antidote
known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly
until WORK has been
completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning
immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you
realize that you do
not have 5 friends, this means that you are
already infected and
that WORK already controls your life.
Remember! It is a
deadly virus!
Waiting for you!
A couple from
Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one
particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty
coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly
to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon
arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to
open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he
accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without
realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow
had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years
who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked
her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the
first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into
the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed
Husband
Subject: I've
Arrived!
I've just arrived and
have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival
tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine was.
(P.S. Sure is hot
down here!)
Shelly
Why am I tired?
For a couple of years
I've been blaming it on lack of sleep
and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm
overworked.
The population of
this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million
to do the work.
There are 85 million
in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29
million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in
the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total
the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves
1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time
there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are
1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two
people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes!
No comments:
Post a Comment